The Self-Anointed Artist: My Audio-Produced Story “Feud” and First Author Interview

I have been following Amie McNee, creativity coach and book doula, on Instagram for some time. McNee encourages authors and artists to claim their creator title. The messages she writes to herself and to her followers are designed to systematically restructure our sometimes debilitating inner monologues about being a creator. Even in writing that last sentence, I had originally written “Her little messages”–McNee has taught me this is how doubt, negativity, and fear of others’ perceptions can alter and minimize the self we are striving to be.

I’ve always considered myself as someone who processes life through writing. I don’t get angry at someone and then write them into a novel to then put them through horrible trials. It’s a different kind of processing I undergo when creating art. It’s like I become a sieve, where the sand of any heavy emotion falls to the bottom and all of the bigger stuff like truth rises to the top (wait, do I know how a sieve works?). Though I’ve always instinctively resorted to this act of processing/creating, whenever I have thought of myself as ‘Artist’ or ‘Author’, I would always inwardly cringe, and I certainly never proclaimed myself aloud as such.

Years ago, I started this blog as a home for my creative works, a platform for a writer. I’ve always been more comfortable with calling myself a writer, because it so tidily sits beside reader and doodler. But to call oneself an “Author” is big. It comes with a truckload of connotation and entitled-sounding opinion, but I mentioned in an old post that declaring yourself the self you want to be by living as though you already are, is part of the becoming process. Even now, I feel resistance writing this post, worrying whether it is trite or whether it will resonate with anyone. But I couldn’t honestly share this milestone without talking about about everything I’ve had to fight against to get here.

All this to say, as soon as I changed my online presence descriptors to say “Author”, as soon as I anointed myself with that whole truckload of connotation behind it, that in and of itself didn’t make things happen for me, but it gave me the power to start opening those doors that had been there all along.

Image credit: Cassie Pertiet

Last year, I’d received the acceptance from The Grey Rooms Podcast for my most recently published work, a short horror story “Feud” (click here to listen; my story starts at 19:54). Since then, I have decided to self-publish a novel (more information on that soon!), scheduled a photoshoot for my author photo(!), and have been interviewed (listen to the interview here!) for the first time as an AUTHOR (notice I removed the quotations on that one 😏). I’m not saying that acceptance made those things happen. But my decision to proclaim myself certainly gave me the power to reach out and take what I wanted.

Writing this from the place of the final pass through of edits on upcoming debut release, where I am ripping my hair out, wondering if it’s as close to done as I thought, feels a little fraudulent, but it’s time to fly!

Let’s chat in the comments. Have you ever let yourself fall into this trap of self-denial? How did you anoint yourself?

Letting Joy In

Source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleybaccam/25-cute-pictures-of-cats-playing-with-yarn#.hegBRwd3K2

Yesterday, a writer friend of mine announced that she signed on with a respectable agent at one of the big publishing houses. I’ve been following her journey since at least 2012. This person is one of the sweetest, hardest working, talented people I have the honor of knowing, even if only a little . I have looked to her as a mentor since I decided to try and carve a  career for myself out of this “whole writing thing”. She was also a major influence in the realization that I write horror, a brave affirmation, given all the misconceptions surrounding the genre. But her dedication is inspiring, and her passion is contagious.

Here’s the kicker. As a fellow writer I should be jealous, right? Shouldn’t I be gnashing my teeth at the fact that I haven’t reached—nay, have not even come close to—that milestone every writer covets, that so many never reach? Believe me, I have felt that green before; I have heard that mean voice in the back of my head telling me I’ll never be that good, or that lucky, that I’ll never make it. But what I felt upon reading this news was not even close to any of that negative white noise.

At first, I was ecstatic about eventually getting to read all of this friend’s works—that’s the reader in me. And then came a wave of joy that almost made me cry. I almost cried for someone that I’ve only met once in real life and talk to rarely. I almost cried for her success, because I am so proud of and happy for her. Yes, this emotion was the writer in me. Maybe it’s just the kind of person she is, maybe this news just caught me on a good day. Either way, I opened myself up to feel the good feelings. And I’m so happy I did.

In my past experience with jealousy and the self doubt that accompanies comparing myself to another’s success, I felt bad afterward, physically drained. Like coming down off a false high fueled by Red Bull (no offense, Red Bull. You got me through many an all-nighter during my graduate years. Just kidding. I fell asleep right after drinking your 11 ouncer). I never imagined how my reaction to another’s success could affect my productivity. But letting this joy in inspired me. I’ve been pretty quiet on the blogging front for some time, trying to come up with a topic, but nothing would stick. As soon as I read this friend’s news and felt my happy feelings, I was mentally composing this blog in my head. And just now, I furiously pecked away at my phone, getting this down as I held one of my six-month-old twins on my knee as she digested her dinner and I consumed mine. Joy inspired me to write despite everything else going on. And not just a blog post, I can’t wait to get to my computer and work on the next chapter of my WIP rewrite.

Will I still have days where the grass seems greener on the other side? Days where I envy someone else’s financial freedom or time to write, or maybe someone else’s right-time-right-place luck. Sure. But whenever I can, I will choose to let the joy in because it feels good. So much better than the negative stuff.

Congratulations on your hard-earned success, my friend. I look forward to reading all of your incredible work.